Mom's Love Tap.

It's cool to find out something new about someone you love.  It's sometime really strange to find out something about yourself that you were NOT aware of AT ALL.  

Last night, my whole little family was at my house - all in the kitchen (of course). Lyla, Rachel, Emily and her boyfriend, Frank, were all sitting at the table.  Chuck and I were at the counter, dishing up food for our dinner.  I turned toward Chuck and patted his shoulder.  He said "what was that???"  I said"just a pat! I thought you needed a love pat."  EMILY said"That was 'Mom's Love Tap.'"  I looked at her and said "what's that?" She said "3 pats on your shoulder, and a rub" and then she demonstrated the exact thing I had just done to Chuck. She said "when Mom thinks you need affection, she gives you 3 pats and a rub.  If she thinks you need extra, you get a second rub.  If she thinks you're really sad, you get a hug, too.  But she will ask you if you want one, first."

I  am still kind of reeling this morning from this.  I mean, it makes sense - I am a very systematic person.  I come up with systems for almost everything in my life - bordering on OCD.  I just didn't realize that I had unconsciously done it with my physical touches.  It's kind of funny, and kind of sad.  I will think on it more.

STOP.  Stop wishing your life was different and make it different.  You are the only person who can change your life.  You are the only person who can change your self.  You have to take action.  "If nothing changes, nothing changes" means that for things to change, YOU must change them. If you hate your job, find a new one. If you hate your living situation, get a new one.  If you hate your car, sell it or trade it.  If you want more money, stop spending every penny you make on shit you don't need.  The problem is, that you have to TAKE ACTION.  Your new life is not going to fall out of the sky.  YOU ARE THE BOSS OF YOUR LIFE. If you are not going to take action, then your life will stay the same. Can't figure out what action to take?  Google that shit. The answer is out there.

(this was for me as much as it was for you. have a nice day)

DISTRACTION: I has it.

I don't have anything interesting to say.  I have something to say.  I have something to think.  I think.  I think I have something to say, but I don't say it.  I say something, but it's not what I am thinking.  I only say part of what I am thinking.  I think a lot of things that I NEVER say.  I say a lot of things that maybe I don't mean.  I may say things I mean, but not loud enough to be heard.  I think I want to change my life, but I am not sure if I have what it takes (energy.drive.desire.motivation.) Maybe I just want to watch Netflix and eat donuts.

People Don't Believe Me When I Tell Them I'm An Introvert

I had four days off, but went on a trip with friends where I was literally with people the entire time.  I came home and went straight back to work where I am with people all day long.  I need to isolate so badly right now, and I've got no prospects of that until maybe Saturday. I'll probably die from oversocialization. Is that a thing? 

Honesty Crushes Fear (there's not much to laugh at here)

I went to the eye doctor today to get my yearly checkup and order new glasses. So, I went in to the preliminary room where the assistant chick does a few tests (look at this dot, press this button when you see squiggles, now I am going to blow air in your eye) and after she was done, she asked me how much I weigh.

So I told her. EXACTLY. HOW. MUCH. I. WEIGH. (I just happen to know because our personal trainer dude is making us weigh every single day - more about THAT later.)  After I told her, I proceeded to obsess for the next few minutes about whether or not she was judging me. Why?  Because she is a tiny person and I am not a tiny person and I just told my exact weight to a tiny person in a society that judges you based on body size.

I spend a LOT of time wondering if people view me the way I view me. My husband says they don't. Maybe he's right. Maybe, when I say "I can't catch my breath because I've gotten so fat" and my friend says "you're not fat", it's because she loves me so much that she doesn't see the fat. Or maybe she thinks I'm fishing for that statement. Or maybe my statement makes her super uncomfortable and that's a knee jerk reaction. The point is, when I talk about being fat in front of others, they usually squirm.  I'm not fishing for a compliment.  I'm being honest about myself.

I have a real struggle with my weight.  Not just the struggle of putting it on and taking it off, either. And not even the self-hate so much.  I love the idea of body acceptance and self love.  I try very hard to love myself and accept myself at my weight.  I read blogs by wonderful women who promote body acceptance. But nobody talks about the struggle.  Nobody mentions how I HAVE to get pedicures if I want my toes to look nice because I can't do them myself because I am too fat to reach my feet.  How I struggle to breathe after walking up my basement stairs.  How my butt BARELY fits in my chair at work and if I get any fatter, they will have to buy me a special chair that is made for big people, thereby separating me from everyone else.  I know what people say.  We already have one person who had to get a bigger chair and everyone talked about it.  Nobody talks about how it's harder to have sex with my husband because my stomach gets in the way.  No one talks about the feeling of fear when go through periods of time when I indulge the sugar addiction and let myself feed my feelings and how terrifying the loss of control is, especially paired with the knowledge that you're getting fatter by the SECOND, and that ride around shopping cart is maybe only a couple years away.  What about how my knees and ankles and lower back hurts after a day of walking around shopping?  It's why I shop almost exclusively online.

These are the reasons that I have joined a gym.  these are the reasons that i am counting FUCKING calories and fat grams and carbs and protein and trying to eat whole foods AGAIN.  Because self acceptance and self love HAVE to include NOT getting fatter.  At least, they do for me.  I may not get thinner, and I can be ok with that.  But I can't just keep growing.  I just can't.

Eating Healthy and Effing Wendy's

So, here's how it's played out so far:

We both ate whatever we wanted for an entire year.  I gained 20 pounds and he gained NO pounds.  We both decided to eath healthy and exercise and after 1 week and ONE workout for him (2 for me)  I am up a pound and he is down 3 1/2. WFT BODY?  The problem is that when HE decides to do something like this, he goes ALL IN.  Now the fitness app is chastising him for NOT EATING ENOUGH.  Who does that?  UGH.  The fitness app is CONSTANTLY chastising ME for eating too much fat, too much carbs and too many calories.  FML.

Tonight I decided that I was beat from working and I didn't want to cook, so I went to Wendy's to get us some of their new salads.  "Oh, I'm sorry, we are out of those salads for today."  AAAUUUGGGGHHH I wanted to get out of my car and punch that bitch in her whole FACE.

The thing that sucks THE MOST about living in a small rural town is that there are no healthy food options when you want to eat out.  Fast food is all you get.  Oh, and truck stops.  I live in a truck stop town.  You KNOW that food is never ok.  NEVER.
So, I ended up at Taco Bell, where I ordered the most calorie filled item on the menu and proceeded to hate myself for the rest of the day.

I Still Need Adult Supervision

So, my husband and I joined a gym together.  We hired a personal trainer and had our first session this past Saturday.  IT.WAS.BRUTAL. My husband, who has NO gym experience at all, got super nauseous toward the end and we had to cut out the last couple of reps.  I was SO disappointed (sarcasm implied).  We could hardly walk, like our legs were all rubbery from the squats.

The pain set in almost IMMEDIATELY, which was very inconvenient because we had a concert to go to and neither of us could really walk.  It doubled for us the next day.  Sitting down made my legs feel like someone was stabbing me and then dragging the knife down my leg.  Standing back up felt like the same thing, only in reverse.  We walked around for two days just moaning and crying about our bodies and the punishment they had endured.

So, today, finally, I decided I was ready to go back in the gym.  My husband couldn't come because he had to work, and it wasn't time to meet the trainer, so I was on my own with a few suggestions from the trainer.  He gave me a couple of leg exercises and a couple of arm/chest exercises and then squats.  So, I fucking hate squats.  Like, I hate them.  The only thing I hate more than squats is abs.  What sucks is that I KNOW that these are probably THE two most important things to do, dammit.  WORK THAT CORE. WORK THAT ASS.  UUUUGGGGHHHHHH.

So, left to my own devices, I totally won't do them, which is sabotage, I know, but it is what it is.  I did that other stuff and then I left the gym, hating myself a little for not doing the stupid squats.  I will do them next time.  Maybe.

My Life as a Bulleted List: Staycation Day Edition

• I took a day off today and so far, it's been lovely. 
• I spent an hour or so sitting on my deck in the sunshine, drinking coffee and playing a ridiculous game on my phone. 
• I went and spent 3 minutes in an evil tanning bed because I am pale as the moon. 
• I did the dishes and fixed myself a semi-healthy lunch. 
• Right now I am in my Sunshine Room (that is what I call my office/studio/sanctuary because the walls are the color of sunshine) on my computer.  "On my computer" is by far my favorite place to be.  I am doing about 7 different things on my computer - switching back and forth between web pages, my phone, and the laundry room (the eternal fucking chore).
• I am drinking water, instead of sweet tea or Dr. Pepper because I am trying to be healthy so I do not end up weighing 300 lbs, which is in my future if I don't stop putting crap into my body.
• I think I may get up here in an hour or so and take a walk, because the sun is shining and I need to move my body.

Things I am contemplating:

• Deleting my Facebook.
• Catching up on Supernatural
• Eating some ice cream
• Becoming a serious Blogger
• Finishing College