People Don't Believe Me When I Tell Them I'm An Introvert

I had four days off, but went on a trip with friends where I was literally with people the entire time.  I came home and went straight back to work where I am with people all day long.  I need to isolate so badly right now, and I've got no prospects of that until maybe Saturday. I'll probably die from oversocialization. Is that a thing? 

Honesty Crushes Fear (there's not much to laugh at here)

I went to the eye doctor today to get my yearly checkup and order new glasses. So, I went in to the preliminary room where the assistant chick does a few tests (look at this dot, press this button when you see squiggles, now I am going to blow air in your eye) and after she was done, she asked me how much I weigh.

So I told her. EXACTLY. HOW. MUCH. I. WEIGH. (I just happen to know because our personal trainer dude is making us weigh every single day - more about THAT later.)  After I told her, I proceeded to obsess for the next few minutes about whether or not she was judging me. Why?  Because she is a tiny person and I am not a tiny person and I just told my exact weight to a tiny person in a society that judges you based on body size.

I spend a LOT of time wondering if people view me the way I view me. My husband says they don't. Maybe he's right. Maybe, when I say "I can't catch my breath because I've gotten so fat" and my friend says "you're not fat", it's because she loves me so much that she doesn't see the fat. Or maybe she thinks I'm fishing for that statement. Or maybe my statement makes her super uncomfortable and that's a knee jerk reaction. The point is, when I talk about being fat in front of others, they usually squirm.  I'm not fishing for a compliment.  I'm being honest about myself.

I have a real struggle with my weight.  Not just the struggle of putting it on and taking it off, either. And not even the self-hate so much.  I love the idea of body acceptance and self love.  I try very hard to love myself and accept myself at my weight.  I read blogs by wonderful women who promote body acceptance. But nobody talks about the struggle.  Nobody mentions how I HAVE to get pedicures if I want my toes to look nice because I can't do them myself because I am too fat to reach my feet.  How I struggle to breathe after walking up my basement stairs.  How my butt BARELY fits in my chair at work and if I get any fatter, they will have to buy me a special chair that is made for big people, thereby separating me from everyone else.  I know what people say.  We already have one person who had to get a bigger chair and everyone talked about it.  Nobody talks about how it's harder to have sex with my husband because my stomach gets in the way.  No one talks about the feeling of fear when go through periods of time when I indulge the sugar addiction and let myself feed my feelings and how terrifying the loss of control is, especially paired with the knowledge that you're getting fatter by the SECOND, and that ride around shopping cart is maybe only a couple years away.  What about how my knees and ankles and lower back hurts after a day of walking around shopping?  It's why I shop almost exclusively online.

These are the reasons that I have joined a gym.  these are the reasons that i am counting FUCKING calories and fat grams and carbs and protein and trying to eat whole foods AGAIN.  Because self acceptance and self love HAVE to include NOT getting fatter.  At least, they do for me.  I may not get thinner, and I can be ok with that.  But I can't just keep growing.  I just can't.

Eating Healthy and Effing Wendy's

So, here's how it's played out so far:

We both ate whatever we wanted for an entire year.  I gained 20 pounds and he gained NO pounds.  We both decided to eath healthy and exercise and after 1 week and ONE workout for him (2 for me)  I am up a pound and he is down 3 1/2. WFT BODY?  The problem is that when HE decides to do something like this, he goes ALL IN.  Now the fitness app is chastising him for NOT EATING ENOUGH.  Who does that?  UGH.  The fitness app is CONSTANTLY chastising ME for eating too much fat, too much carbs and too many calories.  FML.

Tonight I decided that I was beat from working and I didn't want to cook, so I went to Wendy's to get us some of their new salads.  "Oh, I'm sorry, we are out of those salads for today."  AAAUUUGGGGHHH I wanted to get out of my car and punch that bitch in her whole FACE.

The thing that sucks THE MOST about living in a small rural town is that there are no healthy food options when you want to eat out.  Fast food is all you get.  Oh, and truck stops.  I live in a truck stop town.  You KNOW that food is never ok.  NEVER.
So, I ended up at Taco Bell, where I ordered the most calorie filled item on the menu and proceeded to hate myself for the rest of the day.

I Still Need Adult Supervision

So, my husband and I joined a gym together.  We hired a personal trainer and had our first session this past Saturday.  IT.WAS.BRUTAL. My husband, who has NO gym experience at all, got super nauseous toward the end and we had to cut out the last couple of reps.  I was SO disappointed (sarcasm implied).  We could hardly walk, like our legs were all rubbery from the squats.

The pain set in almost IMMEDIATELY, which was very inconvenient because we had a concert to go to and neither of us could really walk.  It doubled for us the next day.  Sitting down made my legs feel like someone was stabbing me and then dragging the knife down my leg.  Standing back up felt like the same thing, only in reverse.  We walked around for two days just moaning and crying about our bodies and the punishment they had endured.

So, today, finally, I decided I was ready to go back in the gym.  My husband couldn't come because he had to work, and it wasn't time to meet the trainer, so I was on my own with a few suggestions from the trainer.  He gave me a couple of leg exercises and a couple of arm/chest exercises and then squats.  So, I fucking hate squats.  Like, I hate them.  The only thing I hate more than squats is abs.  What sucks is that I KNOW that these are probably THE two most important things to do, dammit.  WORK THAT CORE. WORK THAT ASS.  UUUUGGGGHHHHHH.

So, left to my own devices, I totally won't do them, which is sabotage, I know, but it is what it is.  I did that other stuff and then I left the gym, hating myself a little for not doing the stupid squats.  I will do them next time.  Maybe.