So I told her. EXACTLY. HOW. MUCH. I. WEIGH. (I just happen to know because our personal trainer dude is making us weigh every single day - more about THAT later.) After I told her, I proceeded to obsess for the next few minutes about whether or not she was judging me. Why? Because she is a tiny person and I am not a tiny person and I just told my exact weight to a tiny person in a society that judges you based on body size.
I spend a LOT of time wondering if people view me the way I view me. My husband says they don't. Maybe he's right. Maybe, when I say "I can't catch my breath because I've gotten so fat" and my friend says "you're not fat", it's because she loves me so much that she doesn't see the fat. Or maybe she thinks I'm fishing for that statement. Or maybe my statement makes her super uncomfortable and that's a knee jerk reaction. The point is, when I talk about being fat in front of others, they usually squirm. I'm not fishing for a compliment. I'm being honest about myself.
I have a real struggle with my weight. Not just the struggle of putting it on and taking it off, either. And not even the self-hate so much. I love the idea of body acceptance and self love. I try very hard to love myself and accept myself at my weight. I read blogs by wonderful women who promote body acceptance. But nobody talks about the struggle. Nobody mentions how I HAVE to get pedicures if I want my toes to look nice because I can't do them myself because I am too fat to reach my feet. How I struggle to breathe after walking up my basement stairs. How my butt BARELY fits in my chair at work and if I get any fatter, they will have to buy me a special chair that is made for big people, thereby separating me from everyone else. I know what people say. We already have one person who had to get a bigger chair and everyone talked about it. Nobody talks about how it's harder to have sex with my husband because my stomach gets in the way. No one talks about the feeling of fear when go through periods of time when I indulge the sugar addiction and let myself feed my feelings and how terrifying the loss of control is, especially paired with the knowledge that you're getting fatter by the SECOND, and that ride around shopping cart is maybe only a couple years away. What about how my knees and ankles and lower back hurts after a day of walking around shopping? It's why I shop almost exclusively online.
These are the reasons that I have joined a gym. these are the reasons that i am counting FUCKING calories and fat grams and carbs and protein and trying to eat whole foods AGAIN. Because self acceptance and self love HAVE to include NOT getting fatter. At least, they do for me. I may not get thinner, and I can be ok with that. But I can't just keep growing. I just can't.
I spend a LOT of time wondering if people view me the way I view me. My husband says they don't. Maybe he's right. Maybe, when I say "I can't catch my breath because I've gotten so fat" and my friend says "you're not fat", it's because she loves me so much that she doesn't see the fat. Or maybe she thinks I'm fishing for that statement. Or maybe my statement makes her super uncomfortable and that's a knee jerk reaction. The point is, when I talk about being fat in front of others, they usually squirm. I'm not fishing for a compliment. I'm being honest about myself.
I have a real struggle with my weight. Not just the struggle of putting it on and taking it off, either. And not even the self-hate so much. I love the idea of body acceptance and self love. I try very hard to love myself and accept myself at my weight. I read blogs by wonderful women who promote body acceptance. But nobody talks about the struggle. Nobody mentions how I HAVE to get pedicures if I want my toes to look nice because I can't do them myself because I am too fat to reach my feet. How I struggle to breathe after walking up my basement stairs. How my butt BARELY fits in my chair at work and if I get any fatter, they will have to buy me a special chair that is made for big people, thereby separating me from everyone else. I know what people say. We already have one person who had to get a bigger chair and everyone talked about it. Nobody talks about how it's harder to have sex with my husband because my stomach gets in the way. No one talks about the feeling of fear when go through periods of time when I indulge the sugar addiction and let myself feed my feelings and how terrifying the loss of control is, especially paired with the knowledge that you're getting fatter by the SECOND, and that ride around shopping cart is maybe only a couple years away. What about how my knees and ankles and lower back hurts after a day of walking around shopping? It's why I shop almost exclusively online.
These are the reasons that I have joined a gym. these are the reasons that i am counting FUCKING calories and fat grams and carbs and protein and trying to eat whole foods AGAIN. Because self acceptance and self love HAVE to include NOT getting fatter. At least, they do for me. I may not get thinner, and I can be ok with that. But I can't just keep growing. I just can't.
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